Sunday, July 13, 2008

CATS & DOGS


A long time ago I determined that there were 2 types of people, those who liked pets and those who did not. Notice that I said liked pets, not those who have or had them. Many people, like myself, like pets but do not presently have one for any number of reasons. Some people who don't like pets have one, either to please (or score points with) a significant other or to appease one or more of their children. This division is not as clear cut as one might think, for a person could like one type of pet and not another (more on this later.)

Considering the people who like pets (hereafter designated "normal" - hey it's my blog and I can and will be judgemental, or at least opinionated!) , there seem to be several subgroups. There are the avian aficionados, who consider these noisy, messy feathered ornaments to be pets when they are really interactive wall hangings that need food and water, A houseplant that poops, if you will. You might get the idea that I am not a bird lover. You would be wrong. I love birds when properly prepared, such as stuffed and roasted, or barbecued.

Another group is those that rear reptiles. I admit that I have family members that do this and no, I don't know where I went wrong. You give a child love , support and sustenance and this is what they turn to - cold blooded denizens of dank nooks and crannies that prefer their meals, shall we say, "on the hoof." Snakes, lizards, turtles - you name it - are not my preferred companions to curl up with me (or worse, around me) in front of the fire, even if they would enjoy it.

Then there are the rodentia raisers. I will concede that these animals are warm blooded quadrupeds. They are not pets. They are furry paper shredders. They want nothing more than to escape their confinement and scurry into your heat duct. There they will die and their odor will permeate your house forever. My brother had a hamster for a while when we were growing up. All I remember of it was the incessant squeaking of the "exercise wheel" (otherwise known as the "audio torture device") all night long, and that it bit through our Mom's thumbnail as she tried to hold it so the little ingrate's cage could be cleaned.

Fish fanatics are masochists, Fish are a quieter and neater form of bird (see above). They reward your care and appreciation by going "belly up" for the slightest of reasons, like water 1/10th of one degree (F) too hot or too cold, or they kill one another without provocation, or they get covered with some form or other of toxic slime and then they die. At least the bodies are disposed of easily...... Fish are not pets, they are either a "screen saver" that consumes time and money, or they are food.

Finally we come to the real subject of this discourse, cats and dogs. They are both warm blooded furry animals that will, on occasion , display affection for their human companions. That is where any similarity ends. I have shared my living space with both, sometimes simultaneously, for the vast majority of my life. I prefer dogs. ( There, that's out of the way and in the open even if it will soon be obvious.) Dogs are (generally) loyal, gregarious and affectionate. Cats are different. Dogs will greet you at the door, wondering where you've been (even if it was just out to the mail box and back) and if you want to play. Cats lift an eyelid and inquire from their place of repose if you perhaps forgot to feed them. Dogs have (to use the generic term, no sexism intended) masters, cats allow you to be their servant. Dogs take life as it comes with little regard for the future, cats scheme. Dogs classify everything into one of two groups, food and not food, and the distinction (blurry at best) is determined by whether or not it stays down after they ingest it. Cats may deign to eat the special (and, in some cases, expensive) food their "staff" provides. Or they may not, regardless of the fact that they would or would not eat it the time before. The only non food things they will eat are houseplants and string (or string like objects such as tinsel.) This happens not to determine if it is food, but rather to annoy their wait staff. Dogs can (and should) be trained by their owners, Cats train their servants, Dogs greet you with the question "Do you still love me?" Cats ask "Did you bring food?"

Now don't get me wrong, I have lived with cats that I truly liked, but I had to accept their differences. I am a dog lover who tolerates cats, but I would never actively seek one. A dog, however, is "man's best friend."